Honest feelings in an honest moment,

Since I have been back from Christmas vacation I have literally had absolutely nothing to do!  I lost my job at Cranky's because I was gone too long and that whole issue was never dealt with so "They no longer needed my services."  When I went to get my check I asked what the deal was and I was told several things.
1.  You were gone too long and I was in a bind.  My response was "You did not communicate to me that it was not okay.  It was passed off between you and the manager and never dealt with.  If you would have communicated with me properly I could have taken care of it."

2.  You were not a good server and some customers said you were worthless because you were always busy working on your schools stuff..  My response: Okay Mina, fine

3. Oh by the way your paycheck is at 0.00 because I have to take out 15% of your tips and because you and Katia quit at the same time I owe 5,000 in taxes.  My response:  Utter loss for words and complete confusion. WTF I earned money and I should get that!  I didn't say anything because I just didn't get it.  Then proceeded to call the labor board 3 times and still have not heard back from them.

Anyway that was a stupid situation and I tried to tell myself over and over again that I did like that job even though I really didn't.  Thankfully that was removed but it left me nothing to do and feeling like I have no purpose in my life because I have sat at home for days and done nothing.
I hate that feeling, it doesn't feel good, I have no motivation.  I know there are things I could be doing like writing, or doing some sort of craft, or looking for a job but  instead I stay up till 3 or 4 in the morning watching full seasons of Downton Abbey and then sleep until noon or later and the endless cycle continues.  It's dreadful and I hate it....I feel like I'm on the verge of depression!  I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not busy.  I can't wait for school to start.  I've literally cried all day!  Seriously, I wish I was exaggerating but everything sets me off and I realized, I have too much time to think and I miss teaching so much, it's ridiculous and I wonder if I will ever be in such a perfect school or career ever, ever again.  That job at Encino Park was the highlight of my life and those kids that came through my classroom continue to make me proud today.  It's a privilege to teach children that age and watch them grow up with a passion for something so wonderful.  I also realized that even though I'm pursuing theatre it's just proven to me that music is my first love and that has been missing in my life for the past year!  I even had time to look back on my past blog posts from when I first got here and they were so full of hope and excitement and I've lost that and just feel defeated.  This city is rough and it beats people up!!! One can only be strong for so long. I also realized that I need a support group or I'm not going to make it.  Spending three weeks by myself showed me that.  I reached out to several people and most of the time no one ever reaches back to me.  I do like being by myself but I can only endure that for so long and then I need love and hugs and encouraging words because clearly, I can beat my ownself up.  

However, in these three weeks, I have had a few exciting things happen that set this semester up for success and I hope that things will finally start falling into place.  
1.  I have been searching for an internship somewhere in a Children's theatre because that is what I want to do when I'm done with school this summer so I need connections and the only way to do that is work for free for now.  So I found one on Playbill, my go to source for all things in the theatre world, and found one for A Class Act NY.  This is a children's theatre company that is pretty exclusive and only hires Broadway Actors and Actresses for their classes.  But, there was an internship online to work on a Broadway Jr. Musical.  Much to my surprise it is The Little Mermaid Jr. and I just think that's so funny because, once again, it's the same one EP is doing.  So, even though Cindy and I are far away we still get to work on the same show!! Love it!  Anyway, as soon as I sent in my resume I got an email to set up an interview.  It ended up being an intitial phone interview because the Polar Vortex part two came blowing in that day so the weather was awful!  The interview was promising and it sounded like I would be stage managing the show and working a long side Maria from the tour of West Side Story.  The lady interviewing me said really nice things like, "You clearly have a lot of experience and know how to work with kids."  "I have a lot of confidence in you because you are coming from a great program at NYU."  So those words got me really excited and then she set up an in person interview for Friday.  When I went in we basically re-hashed the phone convo we had and then she said "Do you think that you would be comfortable working with all those kids at once?"  I said "Oh yeah, I have no problem doing that, I've worked with whole grade levels at a time and it's not a problem. Also, when I was doing my own shows I basically did the stage managing too because we didn't have a stage manager."  She responded with "You just seem so sweet, I just want to make sure you can hold down the fort."  At that moment I just shook my head and said Yeah I can and then got annoyed that no one ever really believes that I'm fully capable.  I know, that I have to prove myself to people in this city and I get that but it still stings a little.  I still don't know whether or not I will be interning or where I will be put but I do hope I'm stage managing so I can get my fix and make some amazing connections.
2.  I am now a part of an amazing "Young Person" choir that will begin at the end of February.  It's called Essential Voices USA and they do a wide range of music from Classical to Broadway and that makes me so happy.  Also, when I went to audition all the people there were seriously my age and I got so excited because all the choirs I have been in since college have been full of people who have been in the choir longer than I have been alive and I need people my age so this is great.  I also had a killer audition.  I say that because that is rare but I killed it!  I sang so well even after the girl who was in front of me sang the same exact song I did!  The director also asked me to sing another song and I started one and only sang the first page.  Then she asked me to sight read and I usually get stuck at this point but I NAILED IT!  I was so happy, that is always a confidence booster.  I do know that I'm growing in the audition area because each one that I have been to recently have gotten better and better.
3. I also found on Playbill and ad for new talent for a company called Citizen Talent so I sent in pictures and filled out the initial form.  I got a call the next day asking me to sign the management agreement so they could start submitting me for print ads.  I was a little leery because I have tried this before and the company wanted 500 dollars up front and I freaked out and walked away from that very quickly.  So, I sent Papa the agreement so he could look over it, then emailed the lady back with further questions and she called me promptly to answer them in person.  I really appreciated that.  There were no red flags and no money needed up front so I signed and hopefully something will come of it.  But who knows.  At least I have a little help from someone other than myself. 
4.  My classes this semester start tomorrow and I can't wait because I know I will be fully consumed with rehearsals, and acting and directing and creating curriculum.  I'm so excited and can't wait!  I need it!  What I do after school is over this summer I don't know, I'm just hoping it falls from the sky! I do have little seedlings of ideas but they all have to do with starting my own thing.  I'll keep them to myself for now but I hope they turn into something bigger. 

That's all for now.  I just needed to get a few things off my mind so these are my honest thoughts in my honest moment called today.  Tears are gone, I feel better and I'm off to church where hopefully, I will be encouraged.  Oh but first, I'm stopping at Anthropologie for a little retail therapy. LOL

Love a pitiful, yet excited to start the semester,
Miss Gulley in Manhattan

Because it's practical...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,"  Oh how I wish that childhood saying was true, but it absolutely is not.  You may have thick skin and get over words people say but they hurt sometimes more than you expect them too.  Especially when they are replayed in your head over and over because you are trying to make sense of something so ridiculous.  The words "because it's practical" have been eating at me all week.  Surprisingly no tears were shed over those words but like I said, I'm just trying to make sense of them.
Before Christmas vacation I was sort of seeing someone, we declared we could only be friends but it was clearly more than that.  I also dated this guy over the summer too but he decided to break it off with me because he was going to Vermont for 2 months for an acting gig.  I wasn't too heart broken but I did enjoy his company and we had a lot of fun together.  Anyway, when he got back from his gig he started calling me again and we started hanging out.  Then I left for Christmas vacation with the fam.  We had a ton of fun in Ruidoso NM playing in the snow, skiing, sledding, playing cards and just being together.  Then I had a week in Texas spending time with all my BFF's and I loved that so, it was really hard to come back.  In the course of those two weeks we would text back and forth a little bit and then I made a conscious decision in my head and in my heart that I wanted to be pursued and I was not going to continue to make an effort to talk to him if he didn't make the effort first.  Maybe that's stupid but I think it prepared me for the conversation we had when I got back.   It was hard not to contact him right when I got back but I patiently waited because I knew if he wanted to see me he would call, and he did.  He asked to see me over the weekend and called me Saturday to make plans.  It was rainy and gross and super cold so I just said come over to my place and we will figure it out.
When he got there we chatted for a bit and just decided to stay in, make dinner, watch my computer (my substitute for TV) and just hang out.  Little did I know he would drop a bomb on me that was totally unexpected.  While I was starting dinner (first of all this is not normal, I never cook, ever! and I embarked on a meal that took hours to prepare)  he was sitting across from me in the kitchen, grabbed my hand and said "Crystal I need to talk to you."  I stopped what I was doing and just stared at him. The conversation that followed went something like this:
A. Crystal, I'm sort of seeing someone else
Me. (silence with a puzzled look on my face)
A. You know how much I care about you by the way I look at you when I see you, and (blah, blah, blah is what I heard after that)
Me.  ( still no words, I'm just shaking my head in agreement)
A.  So it's really hard to tell you that I can't see you anymore.
Me.  Okay, thanks for being honest
A.  Do you want to know anything else about her?
Me.  (WTF!)  No not really
A.  Can we still be friends?
Me.  Really?  No, we can't be friends, that's a silly question.  I definitely enjoy your company but for her sake that's not fair to her
A.  Okay so do you want me to go?
Me.  (I shouldve said yes but I just didn't want to cook for myself)  No you can stay for dinner.

We then proceeded to go on with things as normal because my roommate came out of her room and we had to pretend like all was well.  A little later I asked a few questions

Me. How long?
A.  On and off for a couple months.  Oh no I can see that you're getting upset.
Me.  No I'm not getting upset I'm just totally annoyed.  Why are you seeing her?
A.  Well because of the situation I'm in, no job, no money....well, because it's practical.
Me.  WHAT?!!! How?
A.  Well, she has money
Me.  OH MY GOSH THAT IS THE MOST SHALLOW THING I HAVE EVER HEARD! You're shallow
A.  Well, I'm just being honest

At this point I just laughed it off,  asked a few more questions and then continued the evening with him as planned.  Looking back I clearly should have kicked him out and wiped my hands clean but I didn't.  Why?  I don't know, because selfishly I just wanted company, I guess.  I didn't realize the impact of those words until I was out of the situation and then I thought to myself ...What kind of love is practical?  I feel sorry for the girl he's seeing because it's a business deal and that's not what I ever, ever want.  I also know a deep love that is anything but practical from a Savior who died for me because he loves me so much, so why would practical ever be an option for someone?  Clearly it is for some people who just need someone to be the bread winner but that's sad.  Anyway when he left I knew that was the last time I would see him and somehow I was totally okay with that.

Love, an anything but practical girl,
Miss Gulley in Manhattan

Home Sweet Home

WELCOME TO MY HOME!

   After 3 sublets, couch surfing in between sublets and 8 roommates in a year I have a beautiful place to call home in Long Island City.  The story of how it all happened is crazy (I'm sure that's not news) but I'll get to that later.  First, here are some pics of my lovely apartment.

 

This is how it all came about...I was first on the hunt for a one bedroom/studio in Manhattan.  I should have known better but I had lofty ideals and hope in my heart that it would happen.  Not only that I would have a one bedroom/studio but it would be somewhere in The Village or close to NYU.  I got laughed at by several people but I just knew it would happen.  Well, my dreams were completely shot when I started actually looking in the Village and calling a bunch of random telephone numbers that I saw on the street or on apartments.  That's the only way I knew how to go about finding a place.  I would call and tell them what I was looking for and they laughed at me too!!!  They said "Oh you're not going to find anything like that here with your budget."  So, then I decided anywhere in Manhattan would be just fine with me and I called a broker my friend gave me.  I was addamant about living by myself so I was only looking at studios at this point.  I was not getting a roommate because I had been burned so many times and I only had about a week and a half to find a place so I really didn't have time to deal with that mess.  You see, since I had to fight tooth and nail to get my loans for school they didn't come in until the middle of August when I should have had them in June.  The guy I was subletting from told me the date he needed his room back, August 24th, but I couldn't do anything until I had money so when I finally had it I hit the ground running.  That's why I was in such a hurry to find a place and was not looking for a roomie...I had a week and a half or less before I was homeless!  Anyway, I called the broker and set up an appointment to look at a studio on the Upper East Side.  I was hopeful but when I walked in I was utterly shocked with what I saw.  I walked into a cracker box the size of a tiny bedroom yet it included a bathroom, a closet, a kitchen and a floor!  WHAT?  How do people live in that?!  When the broker told me the price was 1600 a month I did everything I could to hold in the tears. He also said flat out, "you're not going to find anything in your price range unless you get a roommate."  Luckily, I was meeting up with a potential roommate at noon that day for brunch.  

I was talking to my mom earlier in the week and I told her "Mom, if I'm supposed to have a roommate she is going to have to fall from the sky because I don't have time to find one!"  Well, she fell from the sky that day because I got an email from a friend of a friend who I had met up with earlier in the summer to see about being roommates.  I felt like she was a good candidate so I asked her if she wanted to look for rooms together.  Her response was, "Unfortunately my life is a little complicated right now and I wouldn't be able to commit on getting a place together."  Basically, when we first met up she told me she was trying to break it off with her boyfriend that she ws living with and wanted a way out.  So her first response told me that she decided to stay with him.  No big deal, I don't judge, but that's why I was on my own.  The same girl that told me no initially, somehow changed her mind and sent me an email that said "I need to get out of my current situation, are you still looking for a roommate."  I responded with, "We need to talk about this in person" So we got together that day after I looked at the cracker box for 1600 and had a nice, very honest and to the point conversation.  I made it very clear that I needed a roommate and if she wanted to be roommates I needed her to be 100 percent in and not leave me high and dry.  I also made it clear that if her boyfriend was going to put her in danger or me because we lived together that I would continue to look on my own.  She assured me all would be well, and that she was in it 100%.  We immediately started the search, ran into dead ends and tiny places and then I convinced her to look in Astoria where we could potentially get a three bedroom for the price of a two bedroom with a lot more space than we would in Manhattan.  Finally, the last night of searching we found a broker to show us a place in Astoria right by the train.  It was being renovated and sounded very promising.  When we walked into the place we were dissapointed because one room was double in size of the other room and that just wasnt going to work for us.  Even though we had little time, we had certain things that were a necessity.  Such as, rooms across the apartment from each other so we had our "own space," and the rooms needed to be comparable in size so neither of us had to pay more than the other, and a living room and that was about it.  We were not being too picky at all.  But this place wasn't the winner.  The broker told us he had a place in Long Island City that we would absolutely love and I looked at my future roommate and said "I am not living in Long Island City, no way!" Well, much to my surprise we walked into the apartment and gasped with delight!  It was serioulsy perfect!  We gave each other a look and then said "yes we will take it"  We filled out paper work that night, put down a deposit and then Olivia left the city for a little R&R since everything with her life seemed to be falling apart.  There is a catch to the story though.  I was supposed to be out of my place by the 24th and this place would not be ready until the 1st.  That meant another week of couch surfing for me.  Thankfully, my friends Megan and Kendall housed me one more time.  Another catch is that my name is not on the lease because my credit is awful!  (I somehow need to take care of that....anyone looking to buy a Jeep?)  So, that means if Olivia ever decides she wants out, I could potentially be homeless. .. again.  But, she gave me her word that she would not leave me high and dry so I trusted her. 

Well, in the meantime, while I was sleeping on the couch, my friend Jamie Lough came to visit!  We had a blast and I got to show her my new place and then the day she left, Labor Day, I got to move in to my home sweet home!  I was so excited.  I looked all weekend for a uhaul because I had way too much stuff and didn't have a car.  Thankfully, one of my really good friends with a car was available and helped me move.  I was so, so, so thankful because that meant less money.  

Then began the process of making my place a home and the anxious arrival of my roommate.  To make this long story short it ends the way most of my roommate stories have ended....I don't have one! I basically decorated the entire place to my liking with some input from others and lived by myself for a good three months.  Then Olivia decided she's not going to move in and wanted to sublease her room.  I WAS PISSED!!!!!  Thank goodness she kept her word and didn't kick me out.  There was a huge debate over a subletter but again that turned out to be a good thing.  The subletter is now my new roommate and a gift from God. So it all worked out in the end but gees it was stressful in the meantime and not without a lot of drama!  Oh well "There's no place like home" and I'm just glad I have one.

Love,

Miss Gulley in Manhattan

PS I have made some additions to the apartment so I will probably post more pics eventually.

The start of my Grad School Career and the Paper from HELL!!!

Grad school began for me at NYU this summer.  I was so excited to begin but my grad school career didn't start without a fight.  First of all, I thought it would be brilliant to take 12 hours during the summer....that turned out to be a nightmare.  I was also not able to work because I had class from 9:00AM to 9:00 PM almost everyday so I was living on practically nothing because my student loans had not come through yet.  I had to deal with this whole crazy mess of not being approved for the loan and then doing all this paperwork for them to reconsider.  Those were the minor stresses and frustrations.  The biggest one was the research paper I had to write for my "Methods" class that almost killed me.  I'm not even exaggerating. I had so much research.  I had so many observations and thoughts in my head and they would not transfer from my brain to paper until I absolutely had to figure it out.  Surprisingly, I didn't start this paper the night before, I was continually working on it but would give up because I didn't know if that's how it was supposed to work.  There was no structure for the paper except the following:

• A qualitative research paper that was centered around something of interest in Washington Square Park
• There had to be an arts based component
• We had to have at least three-five 30 minute observations in the park that we had to journal about
• We had to code our data from the analytic memos that we wrote after each observation to find the main topics that came up in the observations.
• Then we were to write three to four different chapters:
• Chapter 1: Stance of the Researcher/Methodological and Epistemological Framework
• Chapter 2: Literature Review
• Chapter 3: Analysis and Reflection/Synthesis
• Chapter 4: Art based component and Reflection on the research process

That's it!  That's all we had.  Of course our class consisted of walking us through the process via articles we read, group discussions, and reflections on the process.  However, when anyone would ask something like, how many pages does each chapter need to be?  How do we code our data? or anything along the lines of structure, our teacher would respond with "It does not matter, this is your research and your observations, so synthesize it however you want.  When you have nothing else to say move on."  WHAT?!!!!!  That's too broad!!!!  So I had such trouble figuring out the "right way" to do the paper when there was really no right or wrong anyway!  UGH!! I hated this paper.   It was so #$#)*@%^ hard!

Class=Foreign Language?

My topic of interest was musicians in the park and how the people in the park respond to them.  I loved doing observations and watching the interaction, but that's all I enjoyed.  Our class was for three weeks and the paper was due three weeks later after the class was over.  We had a lot of time and our teacher made sure to tell us that "you cannot do this paper this night before."  Clearly, she had no idea that's the only way I can work.  So, that whole week before the paper was due I was working on it over at my friend Kendall's house because my apartment was crazy.  Finally, my place settled down a little bit because all of my roommates were gone and I was able to spread out and work the best way I know how....in a circle on the hardwood floor with coffee by my side. 
Work continued little by little but the bulk of the paper was done the night before the due date.  I stayed up all night, didn't eat, cried, and prayed to the good Lord in heaven that I could finish it and think. I debated skipping my Drama in Education class that night so I could get a head start on finishing the  paper but the presentation was on Theatre in Africa and I just knew if I missed it I would regret it.  So after much debate, crying on the phone to my poor mother and basically throwing a fit in the subway station, I decided to go to that class.   That meant I didn't really start writing till 10ish or so that night so that added to my craziness. 

 

This is what research looks like!

I changed locations at some point hoping it would help my brain!

   

I sent my Chapter 1 to Clare a few days before and at one point, on the day the paper was due,  she called me and told me the first part of my paper was awful and needed a lot of editing.  I almost lost it and freaked out. She knows me all too well and had to say to me "Okay, Crystal, it's okay...don't throw up."  I can laugh at that now, but in the moment I was a complete and utter mess.  Mama and Papa were even worried about me!  Mom called me almost every day during the week the paper was due just to check on me and make sure I was still sane!  Thankfully, by the grace of God, I turned that paper in at 4:59...it was due at 5pm on July 31st. I seriously was shocked I finished it because there were so many moments when  I thought I couldn't do it anymore.  Each time that happened I paced the floor, cried a lot, and breathed in and out slowly so I wouldn't hyperventilate.  In those moments I talked to myself and said over and over "You can do it, you can do it, Jesus help!"    Thankfully he did help and I got an A!!! Miracles do happen y'all because that was one of them.  I'm so glad I don't ever have to write a paper like that again...at least I hope not.

And that was the start of my grad school career...a ridiculous summer of stress and craziness.  I enjoyed my classes, the people I met, and putting on a Shakespeare Production with high schoolers, but if I could do this summer over again, I would not have taken 12 hours.  However, I think I'm really glad I got that awful research class over with. 


If you are brave and feel like reading my findings, here is my paper in full.  If you decide you want to read it please forgive all of my grammatical errors.  I honestly did not edit my paper like I should have so I'm sure it's full of so many crazy mistakes.  I didn't even count the pages before I turned it in, or read it completely...I still haven't so you'll know more than me!  LOL

Chapter 1:  Methodological and Epistemological Framework
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B10LaEmYbsbEX1FnYzdxY0toQmM/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 2: Literature Review
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B10LaEmYbsbERXpYbmdfOWN2NzQ/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 3: Analysis and Reflection_Synthesis
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B10LaEmYbsbEMWNiMnlaaXdhU2s/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 4: Art Based Component and Reflection on the Process
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B10LaEmYbsbEZkczbGMzOTljRHc/edit?usp=sharing


Here are some of the better moments of grad school this summer

Meeting The Lobbyists, a cool bluegrass band during observations in the park.

 

 

Looking for Shakespeare:  It was fun helping with the production of As You Like It.

 Love A Relieved Grad Student,
Miss Gulley in Manhattan

The Revolving Door....

The title of my blog says it all.  I'm home on a Friday night because I didn't have to work at Anthropologie tonight.  However, I did work at the British International School with a man that looked just like Ben Affleck.  That totally made my day.  But the point of this blog is to say  that my living situation is really quite interesting when I think about it.  I was hoping to have the evening to myself because I cherish those moments. but no, that is not the case.  I am sitting at home with the guy I'm subletting my room from.  He has used the bathroom 4 times since he has been here and he's only been here an hour....that's where all of the freaking toilet paper is going.  So annoying.  But what is more annoying is that he is sitting here making the most disgusting mouth noises especially when he eats his two cups of chiobani yogurt and licks the lid clean like a dog.  I literally cannot handle it and think I am going to be sent into a full on panic attack.  My obsession with mouth noises might need to be taken care of by a therapist or something because it just keeps getting worse and worse....or maybe I'm just getting older.  Anyway I keep rambling so back to the story.
 Let me lay out my situation for you.  I live with two boys who are so sweet and kind and respectful.  They coined me princess of the palace and I am greeted in the morning with "good morning buttercup,"or "oh the lovely princess is up."  Let's be real, who wouldn't love to wake up to that greeting?  I love them and enjoy their company when we happen to be home at the same time.  I am subletting the biggest room from another guy who is a Broadway performer.
A sublet is supposed to be for when performers or people who leave town, but in this case it's very different. When I signed the sublease agreement in December I never planned on living with boys but it was my only option so I was not about to be homeless or couch surf any longer. The guy I'm subletting from told me when he would be gone, but that he was going to keep some of his stuff here and while he was in town he would be staying with his girlfriend.  I didn't think anything of it but his crap in the hallway never left and he started showing up every day just to chill.  Okay, still no big deal he was still in town, some of his stuff is still here...no big deal.  Well, then it turned into me living with 4 boys instead of just two because one was in transition and someone else was moving in and then the guy I was subletting from was sleeping on the couch almost every night in January. Clearly, I'm a little frustrated b/c I just don't get what is happening!

A few months later:

The first room I was in.  It was a very spacious apartment.

 

 

 

 

I know it sounds like I am totally complaining but I'm really not.  Even though some things annoyed me I was just so thankful I had a place to lay my head but it was not an ideal situation because it never felt like "home."  It was someone else's room with their things and that was just not settling.  It was also just a weird situation like I described so I never really understood what was going on because I was just "passing through."  I never expected to stay at that sublet in Astoria for 9 months but I did and it always felt like I was in transition.  I think that was because that place felt like a revolving door.  Someone was always moving in because someone was moving out or going on tour or something like that.  The guy I was subletting from came back for good around March/April-ish and I moved into the front room because that guy was going to India.  Before I moved in to the front room I had to move out of the back room and move into the living room because the front room wasn't going to be available until May 15th.  Thankfully, I was coming home to SA for You're A Good Man Charlie Brown at Encino Park at the beginning of May so I didn't really have to couch surf except for a couple days when I got back until the room was ready. 

I took up a lot of space. 

My temporary home in the living room

While I was in the front room, I was living with a girl who moved in around February and one of her best friends that took the room I was in to begin with for a couple months.  Then, eventually, the girl left for a while to go back on tour and the guy in the back room moved out and the original leaser moved back in....see, a revolving door.  Everyone I lived with was super nice and I can't say anything bad about any of them (except for the mouth noises).  It was a community of "theatre people" who were always in transition so no one had signed a lease, we all paid with cash every month and the apartment was used to take care of each other in the theatre community.  I felt privileged to be a part of that for a bit and get a glimpse of life as a true performer.  It was eye opening, I met some really cool people and I did have fun.  I just chock this up to more life experience on this crazy adventure of mine.

Love,
Miss Gulley in Manhattan

A breakthrough...finally

Disclaimer:  I wrote this months and months ago and never posted it for some reason. This happened around April sometime. 

I had a week of really tough Meisner classes and then all of a sudden I had an amazing breakthrough.  It was exciting, scary and an amazing ride all at the same time. It was also totally unexpected.  For the first time I think I really understood what acting was and it was nothing like my original thought.
After my let down of sucking at crafting I was determined to craft something that would give my partner a lot to work of off as well as really work on me.  I was still working with the idea of revenge because my first attempt was so stupid and really served no purpose.  My activity consisted of sitting at my computer making a list of all the stuff a co-worker did that wronged me and there was no consequence, no real reason and nothing was going to be achieved by it.  Therefore, I failed and was given a second chance because the boys last time were so ridiculously amazing!
Like I said, I was 100 percent determined to craft something amazing.  So, I decided I needed to talk it through with people instead of just thinking of it on my own.  I can write out my thoughts but eventually I give up because there is no one there to tell me it sucks or its good.  I talked through my circumstance/activity with Tom David, Clare and my roommate.  Through all of that brainstorming this is what I came up with for class...keep in mind this is an imaginary circumstance that I have to put myself in and one that is personal and meaningful.
Circumstance: I was raped by a person I know and he wouldn't take no for an answer. He stole my innocence and I need to take it upon myself to expose his wrongdoing because after filing a report the cops won't do anything and are saying it was consensual. Within this circumstance I had to give him a name a personality and daydream the happenings in my head.
Activity: At first it was to break in to his apartment and frame him for drug use and child porn but couldn't think of how I could actually do that in class.  So it turned out to be me buying energy drinks and trading it out with a laxative and then getting a white t-shirt and invisible ink and writing on the shirt what he did.  I knew he was going to a rave with black lights, so he would be wearing a white shirt and I knew that he would be drinking an energy drink before he left.
What was I trying to achieve:  Justice,  he needed to be exposed so it wouldn't happen again and he would be mortified when the blacklight revealed his wrongdoing.  The laxative would work on him in a way that wouldn't allow him to really function because it would mess up his system.

So, I had to craft all of this, go out and buy all the stuff and then hope that it worked on me in class. Not only did I have to craft an activity but I had to craft an expecting that consisted of me at my most (insert emotion) So when my partner came to the door it wasn't him I was expecting but someone else.  So, I crafted me at my happiest/excited and I knew Katrina was coming by really fast to show me her engagement ring because she just got engaged.  I had a congratulations banner, a gift to give her and balloons to blow up so when I opened the door it was a huge congratulations!

Okay so here's how it went down in class.  Well, actually before the class, while I was scrambling to buy everything I needed I called Clare to talk it through with her one more time and I freaked out and said "Oh my gosh I can't do this! I'm skipping class and not going!  I was totally acting like I was five because I was so uncomfortable with the whole activity and nervous and scared all at the same time.  I felt like a totally different person all day. During class, I was already riled up because of my nervousness but also because I went to the wrong studio for class.   As soon as the first set of partners went tears just started rolling down my face.  Her activity was powerful and pretty amazing.  So then it was my turn and whoa!  I can't even describe what happened.  The activity worked on me in a way that made me so emotional and enraged.  I was shaking, crying and screaming at my partner who came to the door.  He was totally shocked and surprised and got emotional as well.  It was amazing!  So that's my story.  I went there and it was a huge breakthough....finally!!!

Another lame Friday night

This is just a quick reminder to myself that I need new friends.Well, not new friends but friends in NYC who want to enjoy this city the way it should be enjoyed....by GOING OUT  for Pete's sake!!! I can't tell you how many Friday nights I've spent at home wishing and hoping that someone would be available to go out.  When I ask, they are either busy or just want to sit at home and watch a movie!  I'm 33 and to some people that's old but there's a lot of life in me and I want to live it!  I don't want to live it by myself either, I want to share it with friends who enjoy exploring the city, trying new places, grabbing a drink and chatting.  I need that.  So, in an effort to not sit at home and wallow in self pity I'm venturing out by myself.  I'm gonna sit at the bar, talk to the bar tender and enjoy a nice big glass of wine and a delightful dessert.  Wish me luck! Cheers to the weekend. (I'm slowly beginning to dread them for this reason)

Oh well,  

Crystal