A Crossroads

Meisner class this week has been so daunting.   I do believe it has been the hardest week so far and I am completely at a crossroads.  At this point it would be so incredibly easy to give up and say "to hell with it I'm not gonna do that" or just dive in head first and be willing to go to places within that I've never gone.  
Let me start with what has happened so far.  We started up the second semester on February 7th so we had a really long break.  We were all clearly out of practice when we first came back but that was no big deal because it was just so good to see everyone.   Last week my Valentines day was spent having class at the Oyster Bar with a round of drinks on Charles.  Now that's what I call the best class ever!  It was there among the loud jazz music  where we were introduced to the idea of daydreaming and emotional prep.  At this point we all knew the class and the activities would start to look different but I had no clue how scary it would be. Scary for lots of reasons that I'll get into in a bit.  Before I do, let me be really honest right now and say that I really do get nervous before each class because my partner treats me like crap when I knock on the door and I can't or don't know how to vocalize "how I'm really feeling."  I also get nervous because  I know my activity has a ton of holes in it but don't know how to fix it or rethink it so I know it's not gonna go the way it should go.  Charles always says "Your acting is only as good as your crafting"  and my crafting sucks right now!!!  So that means I'm a crappy actor and that is so frustrating.     
Now that we have been introduced to the idea of daydreaming and emotional prep we were asked to start feeling out in our daily lives what make us really angry, what is it like for us to be at our most (insert emotion)... we are sort of doing a bridge activity that will take us into a fully expanded activity next week.  The activity that will bridge us into that is based on the emotion of revenge and class has been intense.  Tuesday It was my turn for the activity and I was so lost with the idea of revenge that my activity had no point, no consequence no nothing. In turn,  that gave my partner nothing to work from so I hated everything about class. At the end Charles, once again, reminded us about the expanded activity and how we need to explore our emotions and come up with activities that make us "fully alive."  He gave us some examples that freaked me out.  Here are some
*a gay guy's boyfriend dies and is not allowed to go to the funeral.  His activity is to give himself lesions and go crash the funeral
*a girls sister was raped so she dresses up like a boy and is going to go confront the guy who raped her sister.
*a guy is preparing to lose his virginity and is dressed in nothing but gold macrame undies.
UM I CAN'T DO THIS is what went through my head as he was giving those examples and tears immediately came to my eyes.  Everyone was so excited and I'm utterly freaked out and 100% scared to go to those places and be that vulnerable.  I don't think that way or do those things and so to explore those ideas is crazy to me but I have to give my emotional life a workout and I somehow have to craft an activity that makes me fully alive.  I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it.  That's why I say it would be easy to give up but then all of this struggle, all of this "surviving" would be for nothing. So I must continue and break free from myself!!!!  
Thursdays class was just as intense.  It was the boys turn to do the revenge bridge activity and I was shocked.  First of all they are soooo good!!! The boys always craft amazing activities.  When the first person went I put myself at the door while his partner was there and I wanted to cry by the end of the activity and my heart was racing because he was sharpening knives and cutting rope and talking out loud about what he was about to do.  He was also yelling and screaming at his partner who showed up "at the door" unexpectedly.  He finally threw her out and the activity was over.  Man!  he was "fully alive" and was "really doing" what he was doing and it was scary.  Then it was my dreaded turn with my partner and he, of course, crafted an amazing activity as well.  As soon as I was outside the door I could hear him bawling his eyes out and again my heart was racing.  I took a deep breath, knocked on the door and the craziness began.  When he answered the door his pants were unzipped and he threw a bill at me while cussing. His eyes were red and puffy already from crying.  I was there in shock and had no idea what to do except say oh my gosh I'm weirded out right now and what are you doing?  Why? Anyway I could draw this out but the bottom line is my partner was going to murder the person who did a hit and run on his niece.  WTF!!!!  How in the world was I supposed to handle that?!!  So, of course when the activity was over and we were going over the circumstances and what was happening with me I burst into tears because I finally processed the fact that my partner was going to murder someone!  Oh my gosh there is so much I want to say but can't stop just mumbling.  I want to say that in the moment of the activity I shut down and can't process anything till it's over. So as soon as the activity was over I knew exactly how I felt and what was happening to me but couldn't do it within the exercise.  How do I get past that?  And how in the world do I create an activity like that?  I would never ever dream of doing something like so even though the circumstance is imaginary the fact is I still wouldn't do an activity like that.  So anyway, I'm full of frustration, freaked out and don't know where to go from here.  I have to let my mind daydream and not censor my own self.  It's like all the stuff I've been taught like "take every thought captive" I have to throw out the window so I feel like this is almost a moral dilemma for me but not really? Does that even make any sense? Oh my gosh how am I going to do this what am I going to do?  I've gotta find a way to breakthrough!  So that's where I am right now.  It's not fun but life goes on and I'll figure it out eventually.  I didn't come here to give up!  
So I leave with this thought  I just have to work harder and think, think, think!  
"Don't be upset about the results you aren't getting with the work you are not doing."

Love a determined,
Miss Gulley in Manhattan 

" So Long Self"

So long self is the theme for the CYT in Schools session where I am teaching four year olds that are truly unruly. However, I find that phrase so fitting for myself because I'm learning to get over the thoughts and Ideas I once had and I have noticed that most schools I teach in ask me to go by my first name.  I always hesitate to say okay because I am so attached to my last name. After 9 years and hundreds of students calling me Miss Gulley I've grown quite fond of it.  I feel like I'm having an identity crisis when I hear a tiny little voice call out "Crystal," it's just weird and takes me a second to realize...oh that's me!  I feel like being called by my first name breaks down the barrier of the teacher/student relationship and what little authority I have is null and void.  That's not necessarily true but I probably think that  because I was taught it's disrespectful to call someone older than me by their first name.  However, I'm becoming fully aware that New York City is a breed of its own and does not do things the "normal" way.  I know my identity doesn't come from my last name so I am choosing to get over it and look at it this way...God is preparing me to take on a new last name one day and Gosh I hope it's soon.
Patiently waiting.
Miss Gulley in Manhattan

Stressed is Desserts Spelled Backward

Here are a few things that stress me out these days. It's no longer a PTA program or a big show its, do I have a sub job for tomorrow? or why can't i come up with a meisner activity?!! and when I figure one out it's either not difficult enough or it doesn't mean that much to me.  UGH!!!

 I realized today that substitute teaching is not my favorite.  It has been okay so far but today was extremely interesting.  I subbed at a ridiculously wealthy private school.  This is the first year of existence and it's a full immersion school in Mandarin or Spanish.  I subbed for Kinder while the teachers went to some professional development.  It was fine in the beginning until I was almost pushed over by a little boy who didn't like me telling him to move his magnetic thingy's back to the center of the room.  I've never been pushed by a child before so I was a bit stunned and then tried to put him in a "time out scenario" and he just said he didn't want to.  As a sub, I cannot touch these kids or take anything away from them so I was actually really helpless.  I hate walking in to a classroom where I don't know any of the kids and don't know what they need or how to handle them when they get upset.  The teachers brief me really well but of course, nothing prepares me for the worst.  So,  whatever.  I'm glad that was only a half day and hopefully the next assignment won't be tough like that one.   The thing that stresses me out the most is that subbing jobs are hard to come by if you're not staring at your computer all day waiting for a job to pop up in your personal job bank.  Since it's midnight and I've been gone all day I don't have a job for tomorrow.  That means I don't sleep b/c I know that they will call at 5:00AM and ask me to work.  Then at 5:00AM when they call I have to be coherent enough to make the decision to work or not to work and I have to know how far away it is etc.  Most jobs are at least 45 min to an hour away from me.   So, it's stressful and I like my sleep so I have to be honest and say I just changed my availability to unavailable for tomorrow so I wouldn't be called in the morning.  I know that's probably not ideal for me but I can't do another sleepless night wondering if i'm working.  I am looking forward to my own class with my own kids that I know well enough to know their needs and how to handle them.  Thankfully I start with that job next week and then I will only have to sub 2 days a week. Woo Hoo!

It's that time again for the second semester of my Meisner Class.  I'm so out of practice and I have to have an independent activity for tomorrow.  I am not excited about it.  I cannot figure out activities that are meaningful.  I think it goes back to the fact that I just don't want to do certain things in front of people.  I've said this before and I have to say it again... I just need to get over myself.  So, here's to sleepless nights for a while.  I just hope my day off tomorrow will be productive because I've gotta have a good independent activity and I'm not in the mood to make a coherent decision at 5:00AM to work.  Because stressed is desserts spelled backwards,  I'm gonna have some wine and chocolate before I call it a night.    

Love,

A stressed out and tired,

Miss Gulley in Manhattan

Happy New Year to me...

Well Happy New Year to me!!! Since I've been back to New York City things have finally fallen in place for me!  Hallelujah praise the Lord!  Being home was exactly what I needed.  2 and 1/2 weeks of family and friend time was refreshing and revived me.  I was literally at my breaking point before I left for the Christmas Break.  I had moved 4 times in the last 6 months and I had applied for at least 4 part time music jobs and was denied every single time. The last one was heart breaking b/c I thought for sure I would have it!  Alas, I did not, so, I just cried my eyes out and called home.  Papa broke my heart when he said "Crystal come home" and then proceeded to pray the most beautiful prayer over my life. (Gosh, I love my family.) I had no idea how hard it was gonna be but I was not willing to give up.  So, I continued my pursuit and found a temp agency that puts substitutes in private and charter schools.  That was perfect for me and I landed that job the day I got on the plane for Texas.  Aah sweet relief knowing that I would have the opportunity to make at least 100.00 a day and wouldn't have to work every day if I didn't want to. That made the 2 weeks at home a bit more relaxing...except for the fact that I had to get about 8 shifts covered at Anthropologie.  Thankfully I did get most of them covered and was able to keep the job when I got back.  It goes without saying that being home was amazing and time spent with friends and new babies was absolutely priceless but I have to say, after two weeks I was actually ready to come back to NY.  I think that says a lot.
When I got back to the City I was on the hunt for a permanent place to live, but the guy I'm subletting from, Tally,  said I could have his room until May and possibly longer.  So, I live with 2 boys, sometimes 3 sometimes 4 depending on who is sleeping on the couch.  It's a rotating door in here but they are all so sweet and I love them to death. So, I have somewhat of a stable living situation and that makes me so happy.
 Last semester I taught classes in NJ and had no idea whether I was going to be teaching with CYT anymore.  So I asked and  was told I wouldn't be working as a teacher for CYT this semester but a week later was asked to teach "Our Gang."  That class is 4-5 year olds and combines music and drama....again PERFECT!!!  I've been there three weeks and the kids are soooo cute but wild and crazy.
I am learning the importance of being persistent.  I applied for one more part-time music job at Third Street Music Settlement.  I  had applied for this job back in September and they told me they were looking for someone with more "New York" experience.  When I saw it posted again, I sent in all of my stuff one more time and asked them to reconsider me for the position.  Well, I got an interview and let me just tell you that was one of the craziest interviews I've ever had in my whole life!  The head of the music and movement department, Monika, sat in on the interview with me and Nancy, the director or Third Street.  Monika was extremely hard on me and and was not happy with my answers at all.  She asked me what would my lessons look like for a kindergarten class and how would I get them into my classroom. So the interaction went something like this....
Me:  "Well I would greet them at the door and then they would go to their assigned...
Monika: "Oh no we DO NOT have assigned seats in the classroom.  How will you get them in your classroom?"
Nancy:  Did you have assigned seats where you taught last?
Me:  (a little stunned)  Yes, that's what worked for my students.
Monika:  Okay so continue, how will you get them in your classroom.
Me:  Well, like I said before I will greet them at the door
Monika:  No!  What are you going to do to make sure that they don't run all over the place?
Me:  Okay fine. (still having no idea what she is asking me) I'll sing "Snail Snail" with them until we are seated around the circle and then we will listen to a piece of music, do some movement, sing some songs and add instruments if there is time.
Nancy:  You listen to classical music with your students?
Me:  Yes, I think it's a great way to introduce them to other types of music.
Nancy:  Well, we don't really do that. It's about experiencing and creating. How much of a song do you listen to?
Me:  (at this point I'm extremely annoyed b/c clearly everything I have said has been wrong!)  It's only a snippet, maybe like 45 seconds to a minute.
Nancy:  Oh okay that's great. Well do you have any questions for us?
Me:  No not really...(I didn't care anymore)
Nancy:  Monika, do you have anymore questions?
Monika:  Yes!  I want to go back to the beginning of class.  I know snail, snail.  I know that you have to hold hands, I know that you have to be very explicit when giving directions so how will you make that happen?
Me: Oh!  Are you asking me to give you the set of instructions I would give to the kids?
Monika:  Yes that's what I want.
Me:  Okay?  I can do that....Good afternoon boys and girls my name is Miss Gulley and this I what I would like you to do please.......
I proceeded to talk to Monica and Nancy like they were my kindergartners and gave them very explicit instructions.  And then giggled afterwards.  That's my way of shaking off being offended.  I found that out in my Meisner class of all places.  I really felt ridiculous and I was so frustrated b/c why didn't they just say in the first place role play.  We are your students guide us through the beginning of your class.  At one point Nancy looked at Monika and said, "Monika, you do know that she has taught elementary for 9 years.  She clearly has classroom experience." Then Monika said after my giggles "You can giggle all you want but this is a serious matter." At that point I was done.  I didn't want the job anymore.  I walked away thinking Lord have mercy on my soul, there is no way I want to do this.  I don't even need the job anymore so why did I even apply!
Well, much to my surprise, the next day I received an email that said my interview had been well received and they both wanted me to go through the second round of interviews. That meant I would teach a sample lesson to a group of second graders.  I laughed out loud when I got the email.  Really?!!!  Anyway, I was happy for the second interview. It was my chance to show them that I clearly knew what I was doing.    I had to call Monika the night before the second interview so she could give me a run-down of the class I would be teaching and she actually apologized for being so hard on me in the interview.  Her explanation was, "It's very clear to me that you have experience but I'm tired of Third Street thinking they can just hire a warm body to take over.  I'm ready to retire and I want someone in there who knows what they are doing."  So, I was thankful for the apology and got some tips on how to teach the class.  To make a long story of the ridiculousness short I got the job!!!!  I will be teaching two classes of kindergartens two days a week
in Brooklyn at the Tweed Courthouse.  The school is called Peck Slip Elementary School and is brand new. That means I get to start the music program with them from the ground up, I get to decide on what instruments to order etc.  It's kind of exciting.  I met the principal and she reminds me a lot of Colleen Bohrmann....very supportive of the arts and believes it absolutely has a place in the school.  I think the job is perfect after all the craziness I went through.  Persistence pays off!
Whew, that was a long story.  But I have to say things are going well and 2013 is off to a great start so far. 2012 was hard...really hard and my first 6 months in New York City were not anything that I expected! Lots of tears, lots of sleepless nights wondering what I'm doing, lots of moving from couch to sublet but I learned life lessons that I will never forget. Also known as the refiners fire.  I needed some refining.
 So, here are the things in store for 2013.  More auditioning.  I have got to conquer my fear of auditioning.  I have to, and the only way to do so is to go through them.  I went to an audition for Our Town when I got back and it was awful.  I completely forgot my monologue..like 100% blanked!!!  I have never done that before so  I left the audition in tears.  I was hysterical and questioned why I put myself through them and then I had a moment of clarity.  I have to prepare!!!  I can't just say the monologue in my head b/c I don't want my roommates to hear me. I have to say it out loud and really practice.  That means I've got to get over myself and just do it.  Lesson learned, Just Do IT!!   I also, joined a choir, the Cecilia Chorus of New York.  We are singing  two of the most amazing pieces of music in Carnegie Hall on April 14th! So excited about this.  I needed this choir because I needed something to feed my soul.  And last but not least,  I applied to Grad School!  That is huge for me.  It was one of the reasons I came here but once I got here I just tried to survive so I put that idea on the back burner until now.  I got back and knew I had to do it.  My application was sent in on February 1st and I have no idea when I'll hear the results but I applied and I'm so excited to possibly be starting Grad School in the summer.  Here's to a great start to 2013!  I'm loving NYC finally :)

Love,
Miss Gulley in Manhattan