Thursday, February 28, 2013

A Crossroads


Meisner class this week has been so daunting.   I do believe it has been the hardest week so far and I am completely at a crossroads.  At this point it would be so incredibly easy to give up and say "to hell with it I'm not gonna do that" or just dive in head first and be willing to go to places within that I've never gone.  
Let me start with what has happened so far.  We started up the second semester on February 7th so we had a really long break.  We were all clearly out of practice when we first came back but that was no big deal because it was just so good to see everyone.   Last week my Valentines day was spent having class at the Oyster Bar with a round of drinks on Charles.  Now that's what I call the best class ever!  It was there among the loud jazz music  where we were introduced to the idea of daydreaming and emotional prep.  At this point we all knew the class and the activities would start to look different but I had no clue how scary it would be. Scary for lots of reasons that I'll get into in a bit.  Before I do, let me be really honest right now and say that I really do get nervous before each class because my partner treats me like crap when I knock on the door and I can't or don't know how to vocalize "how I'm really feeling."  I also get nervous because  I know my activity has a ton of holes in it but don't know how to fix it or rethink it so I know it's not gonna go the way it should go.  Charles always says "Your acting is only as good as your crafting"  and my crafting sucks right now!!!  So that means I'm a crappy actor and that is so frustrating.     
Now that we have been introduced to the idea of daydreaming and emotional prep we were asked to start feeling out in our daily lives what make us really angry, what is it like for us to be at our most (insert emotion)... we are sort of doing a bridge activity that will take us into a fully expanded activity next week.  The activity that will bridge us into that is based on the emotion of revenge and class has been intense.  Tuesday It was my turn for the activity and I was so lost with the idea of revenge that my activity had no point, no consequence no nothing. In turn,  that gave my partner nothing to work from so I hated everything about class. At the end Charles, once again, reminded us about the expanded activity and how we need to explore our emotions and come up with activities that make us "fully alive."  He gave us some examples that freaked me out.  Here are some
*a gay guy's boyfriend dies and is not allowed to go to the funeral.  His activity is to give himself lesions and go crash the funeral
*a girls sister was raped so she dresses up like a boy and is going to go confront the guy who raped her sister.
*a guy is preparing to lose his virginity and is dressed in nothing but gold macrame undies.
UM I CAN'T DO THIS is what went through my head as he was giving those examples and tears immediately came to my eyes.  Everyone was so excited and I'm utterly freaked out and 100% scared to go to those places and be that vulnerable.  I don't think that way or do those things and so to explore those ideas is crazy to me but I have to give my emotional life a workout and I somehow have to craft an activity that makes me fully alive.  I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it.  That's why I say it would be easy to give up but then all of this struggle, all of this "surviving" would be for nothing. So I must continue and break free from myself!!!!  
Thursdays class was just as intense.  It was the boys turn to do the revenge bridge activity and I was shocked.  First of all they are soooo good!!! The boys always craft amazing activities.  When the first person went I put myself at the door while his partner was there and I wanted to cry by the end of the activity and my heart was racing because he was sharpening knives and cutting rope and talking out loud about what he was about to do.  He was also yelling and screaming at his partner who showed up "at the door" unexpectedly.  He finally threw her out and the activity was over.  Man!  he was "fully alive" and was "really doing" what he was doing and it was scary.  Then it was my dreaded turn with my partner and he, of course, crafted an amazing activity as well.  As soon as I was outside the door I could hear him bawling his eyes out and again my heart was racing.  I took a deep breath, knocked on the door and the craziness began.  When he answered the door his pants were unzipped and he threw a bill at me while cussing. His eyes were red and puffy already from crying.  I was there in shock and had no idea what to do except say oh my gosh I'm weirded out right now and what are you doing?  Why? Anyway I could draw this out but the bottom line is my partner was going to murder the person who did a hit and run on his niece.  WTF!!!!  How in the world was I supposed to handle that?!!  So, of course when the activity was over and we were going over the circumstances and what was happening with me I burst into tears because I finally processed the fact that my partner was going to murder someone!  Oh my gosh there is so much I want to say but can't stop just mumbling.  I want to say that in the moment of the activity I shut down and can't process anything till it's over. So as soon as the activity was over I knew exactly how I felt and what was happening to me but couldn't do it within the exercise.  How do I get past that?  And how in the world do I create an activity like that?  I would never ever dream of doing something like so even though the circumstance is imaginary the fact is I still wouldn't do an activity like that.  So anyway, I'm full of frustration, freaked out and don't know where to go from here.  I have to let my mind daydream and not censor my own self.  It's like all the stuff I've been taught like "take every thought captive" I have to throw out the window so I feel like this is almost a moral dilemma for me but not really? Does that even make any sense? Oh my gosh how am I going to do this what am I going to do?  I've gotta find a way to breakthrough!  So that's where I am right now.  It's not fun but life goes on and I'll figure it out eventually.  I didn't come here to give up!  
So I leave with this thought  I just have to work harder and think, think, think!  
"Don't be upset about the results you aren't getting with the work you are not doing."

Love a determined,
Miss Gulley in Manhattan 

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