It's unsettling be unsettled

Things are not always what they seem.  New York is amazing...if you're visiting.  If you're living here...now that's a different story.  Don't get me wrong, it's still amazing even though I live here but it just comes with a lot of challenges, a lot of change, a lot of heart ache and uncertainty and a lot of choices to make.  So after I got back from my wonderful, fabulous Texas visit I am at a crossroads.  I am juggling 3 jobs, trying to make the right choices about doing temp work when they call or sticking to my random schedule at Anthropologie.  Also, I was hit with the fact that I won't be teaching the Our Gang class for CYT in Jersey on Monday nights, instead, I will now be the assistant in one of the classes.  That means less money and being stuck in survival mode.  I go through all the coulda, shoulda, woulda's in this situation like, I should have saved more money, or I could've waited to take that meisner class or I should've looked for a real teaching job that way I would have steady income.  But, it is what it is and that's the life of an artist I'm told.  So I take the good with the bad and know that somehow it's gonna work out.

I am trying not to be a Debbie Downer but with the day I'm having...a very emotional one...that's how it's gonna be. So I'm going to be very candid right now and allow myself to have a point of veiw.....I HATE CHANGE!!!  I HATE IT! I hate the fact that Rebecca and I have gone through another third roommate ditching us as soon as we found the perfect place and now we are looking for two bedrooms that we can't afford b/c there are none in our price range.  I also, am freaking out because Rebecca is freaking out.  She has to be out of her sublet by next Friday!  That means we have to find a place TOMORROW!!!!  However, she's already called me stubborn because I don't want a third roommate or want to look into one bedrooms...but she's right, I am stubborn and not willing to give on the things that I need in order for my apartment to be a home.  I want to be able to have people over, I want visitors from out of town to be able to stay...and by all means... I need, yes, need my own space!    I say all that to make the point that just because our deadline is tomorrow I'm still not willing to give just because she has a deadline.  If i don't feel comfortable with the place or it doesn't feel right I'm okay letting her know that.  But hopefully, it will be okay and we will find the right place tomorrow.
 I also hate the fact that I love where I am living right now and I feel like I've just become comfortable with my roomies. Cheryl and I had a lovely chat this morning and she said to me "oh I wish you could stay..."  So, after that I had a realization that OMG!!! I'm going to have to be reaccquainted with a new place, a new roommate a new area and I hate it!!!! I hate it, I hate it!!! I'll be over it in a few days but today I hate it!  I'm gonna miss walking down the street to Broadway and popping into the cute wine store for a quick tasting.   I'm gonna miss late nights watching Jimmy Fallon with the roomies and I'm gonna miss the little old man four houses down greeting me with a New York "Hi, how ahh ya!" every time I walk by.  He's always sitting outside on his front porch, smoking a cigar and I love it.  I'm going to miss how close I am to the city, my friend Megan, from Hillsong who lives down the street.  I'm gonna miss walking ten minutes to my voice lesson because my voice teacher is down the road and I am going to miss my roommates.   I really have made this place my home for the past three months and I don't have an option to stay. I have to go and of course, I want to live in the city I just didn't think i would like Astoria as much as I do.  I'm just rambling but its been an emotional day.  I do have to say that I am so thankful Jeff offered me his room while he was gone, and I'm so thankful that being here in this apartment with my two roommates made the transition from Texas to New York a nice one.  I  hope the transition into Manhattan will be just as easy and living with Rebecca who is 10 years younger than me will be okay.

Even though I'm comfortable here it's clear I'm still a little unsettled.  I'm still in transition and that really is unsettling to me.  I am having a hard time facing the fact that I will be living paycheck to paycheck working two jobs I don't really want to work and just praying that I am able to pay rent and buy groceries because this skinny girl has to eat. So that's where I am and what I'm facing in these moments right now and I didn't feel like sugar coating any of it.  I'm gonna close my eyes so this day is over and the new day can begin when I wake up. It's gonna be a great one because I am reminded of Lamentations 3:22-23... Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion's never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  

Love an unsettled girl,
Miss Gulley in Manhattan